Domestic Blitz Update: A Eulogy for Rabbi Herschel

14 12 2009

Tonight, we mourn the loss of Rabbi Herschel. Rabbi Herschel was a good mouse, a mouse that embraced his mouse-ness with a quiet integrity, that skittered through his simple life with much purpose. Yes, Rabbi Herschel had been leaving his gritty, teeny-tiny coal-like droppings all over the apartment the past weekend, true, but to his credit, he had not done anything else much shittier than that, such as gnaw on our clothes, say, or bite us in our sleep, or participate in electoral fraud. But Rabbi Herschel was a mouse, remained a mouse and nothing more, and true to the totally awesome first dialogue in Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds (which we had seen the day we first encountered Rabbi Herschel [yes, we had named Rabbi Herschel Rabbi Herschel due to said dialogue’s equating of rats with Jews, but we are in no way anti-Semitic; we are, in truth, quite Semitic, and have known Adam Sandler to be pretty much God since Billy Madison, and have only chosen this name out of a revoltingly pure, pop culture smartass-ness]), we just really wanted him offed, and quick.

The opportunity arose when I found Rabbi Herschel trapped at the bottom of our bath pail this evening. Our first plan was to fill the pail halfway up and wait for Rabbi Herschel to tire from treading water and drown, but we had found Rabbi Herschel to be quite learned in floating still to conserve much oxygen and energy, and thus decided bitch goin down some other way. That was when D retrieved his bottle of paint thinner (which he would normally use for the purpose of prettifying his Arcane Legions figurines because apparently my love is NEVER enough), and poured a quarter of it into the pail.

Rabbi Herschel died at 9:04 PM this evening. We had had enough faith in his fighting spirit to believe that his having sunk to the bottom of the pail in a stiff, crouched position was just his way of trying not to inhale the perfectly poisoned waters, but we’re just romantic that way. 

So, yes, my dear brethren, our beloved Rabbi Herschel has passed on. I myself had the honor of flushing him straight off to the Sparkly Sewer in the Sky. Oy. We shall miss him dearly.

We must also remember however, that in the greater scheme of things, Rabbi Herschel has never really left us, not really. Rabbi Herschel is everywhere around us. He is everywhere: underneath our kitchen sinks, within our cupboards, behind our toilets, at the bottom of our trash bins, deep inside our gritty, teeny-tiny coal-like hearts. Rabbi Herschel is right here with us always, and most of the time, we don’t even know it. We really, truly don’t, and such is the forbidding and unfathomable and insurmountable mystery of our lives. I am so buying Raid tomorrow.




4 responses

6 01 2010

this is just sick.

6 01 2010

Turns out there are several Rabbi Herschels nesting somewhere in our house, but we’ve put up traps and are waiting.

12 01 2010

i wonder what the rabbis are listening to these days.

8 09 2010
Mandatory Apartment Birthday and Life Birthday Blog Entry « H u s t l e R o s e P r o s e

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